“If you, O LORD,
Kept a record
Of sins…
Who could stand?
But with you
There is
Forgiveness…”
Psalm 130:3,4
I will touch on subjects that I have never talked about and are very sensitive to me. This is my journey of healing and recovery. After all these years, God has finally told me it’s time to tell my story. Till this day I have still faced many challenges in my life. My life is way beyond perfect in any way but with the challenges I have faced in my life, I am on the right path on becoming who I have wanted to be all along. It is our job to share our testimony and what God has done in our life to anyone or everyone who wants to hear. If he can pick me up and save my life, he can do that for you too. I am a firm believer that God gives us challenges in life. He also sees who is strong enough to get through and successed. This is a story of a girl who hit rock bottom with drug addiction, abortion, lies, adultery and abuse. This is my story….
When I was a little girl I never knew of love and love never knew of me. I have little memories as a child but the ones I do replay in my mind over and over. I didn’t have a child hood like most kids. My dad was very abusive and my mother didn’t show me much affection or love growing up. My brother and I were put in foster care when I was around 8 years old for what reason I do not know. I thought my mother and father didn’t love me. I thought no one did. I remember the first day I arrived at the foster home. I was put in a room and the door closed behind me. I looked around and just cried wondering what I did wrong and where all the people I loved went. I stayed there for a little while then went back to be with my mom.
I went through many battles as a little girl growing up. The person closest to me was my brother Micah. We did everything together. He was more like a big brother to me. He lived with my father growing up. I would go over to my fathers house to see my little brother and spend time with the both of them. The abuse my brother endured continued to get worse and he was becoming very violent. Soon after he began running the streets. He ended up in the justice system when he was around 13 or 14 and still is till this day. He is now in prison serving 9 years for criminal charges. I write to him as much as I can. He is living each day struggling while in prison. I pray for him each day that he can forgive those who hurt him and build a relationship with God and turn his life around. He will always be my little brother and a big part of my life.
When I was 13 years old someone close to me sexual abused me and tried to rape me. I remember that day like it was yesterday. That day changed my life forever and took my innocence that I had as a little girl. I was screaming and telling him to stop. He begged me not to tell and if I did he would kill everyone in my family. I remember him pinning me on the bed with his hand over my mouth. My eyes were closed. My clothes stripped from my body and hands behind my back. I prayed like I have never prayed before that day. I asked God to save me and to help me. I remember someone whispering in my ear telling me “Run Tiffany.. Run!” I threw him off of me and ran as fast as I could. He never was prosecuted for molesting me and attempted rape. After this had happened, I didn’t have any communication with my my other side of the family. I felt so angry because even though this horrible thing happened to me, I felt like I was the one being punished.
As my life started to spiral out of control. I started hanging out with the wrong crowd. I would hand out with whoever would accept me. I was very promiscuous and always drinking, lying and smoking. I tried to commit suicide at the age of 13 and was put into a rehab for depression and being sucidal. With the images of me almost being rapped and losing contact with my family, I really thought it was the end of me. I felt that I had no one in my life. I couldn’t even talk to my mother because it seemed to me that it happened but we acted like it didn’t happened. I got released from rehab and put everything behind me and acted like it didn't happen. My mother and I still fought and didn’t have a good relationship. I lost my virginity when I was 13 years old. I was in Junior high and I thought it was the cool thing to do. People from my school started finding out about it. I lost a lot of friends and got bullied. I tried to seek safety in other people. For me sex was a gate way drug.
When I got into High school I was starting to get out of control. I started drinking all the time and getting into fights at school. My mom thought it would be best for me to go to another school and to start fresh. We then moved to Plano and it started off well. I was at a new school and no one knew my past or what I had done back in my home town. I was so excited to be the new girl in school. I kept my past life a secret. I was making alot of new friends and eventually met my new boyfriend. I started having sex and doing drugs because that is what all “ the cool kids” were doing. I wanted to fit in with the “IN” crowd but it came with a price. I started drinking again and smoked weed and did cocaine for the first time my sophomore year. I was running away from home and lying to my mother just so I could use drugs. She finally discovered I was using and put me in another rehab for 90 days. I went to rehab again and did good for a little bit then got back into it again. I was becoming violent and abusive to my mom and hit her. I was put in juvenile detention center when I was 15 or 16 years old. She then decided to move me from Plano to a smaller town named Celina and it was in the middle of nowhere. She thought that would help me. I did good again at the beginning but got involved with the wrong crowd again. I was hanging out with the popular kids (football team & cheerleaders). I starting using again and drinking and my grades continued to slip. I remember one night coming home from a party and I was so drunk and got into a big fight with my mother. I had already been on probation before and I also served a couple of nights in juvenile detention center when I lived in Wylie for running away. One more mistake and I was going to end up in Juvenile detention center for a while they said. I was arrested for assaulting my mom but was released back to her shortly after. My mom picked me up from school the next day and told me I needed to go see my probation officer. They arrested me and booked me in Collin county for violating my probation. I went to court on my charges for assault against my mother and violating my probation for a dirty UI. Basically I tested positive for drugs. The judge sentenced me to 6 months in Vernon state hospital. I only completed 3 months and was discharge for not cooperating and doing my treatment. After that I was sent back to Collin county detention. I was so lost and thought I had hit rock bottom. As I waited for court, I tried to commit suicide again. I waited 3 months to see the judge and they sentenced me to 6 months to long term in the juvenile correction center. After I completed the 6 month program, I went back to live with my mother who resided in Wylie. I wanted to do good and make her proud. I was tired of letting her down. I did good for a month and struggled because I was so far behind in high school. I was bullied in high school and again grades were slipping. I couldn’t erase my past and what I had done. My class mates knew about me even though I stayed to myself and tried to change. No matter how hard I tried to prove myself they would always see me as the girl who had sex with boys at school and was very wild and not like them. I finally gave up and ran away for 6 to 8 months. My mother didn’t know where I was and I didn’t stay in touch with my family. I got involved with meth and would just stay with whoever I could stay with. I was way over my head and lost touch of reality. Meth, sex and weed became my new life. It took all my pain away. But when reality set in, I was so alone and scared. I was up for 5 days no food and strung out on drugs. I dropped to my knees and prayed and told God if you want me to change than the only way would be if you put something or someone in my life. I was so tired of living the life I was living. I was finally at a point in my life were I was tired of running. I found where my mom was staying. I called my mom and told her I wanted to come home and she said to come home. The next thing I know an under cover cop was waiting for me at my home. My mother told them I was coming and they picked me up and took me to back to juvenile detention again. You probably don’t know how the juvenile system works but its basically probation, rehab and long term treatment. When they picked me up they tested me for pregnancy and till this day I remember sitting there and the doctor says well everything came back fine but you are pregnant. My only words where “Your joking, right?” He said your pregnant! I told him there is no way then he said yes you are Tiffany. That second I knew my life would forever be changed. I sat there in my cell wondering what the heck have I done? What am I going to do? How am I going to tell my parents? I am only 17 years old and I am not ready to be a mom. I was so scared. I started having complications while I was in detention center. I could see people getting worried. I didn’t have the proper medical care and I was also stressed out. Three months went by and I had a meeting with my probation officer. She told me the next step for me was TYC (Texas Youth Commission) and I just cried and begged her not to send me there. She said since my 18 birthday is coming next month that I got lucky and that I was pregnant I would probably be released. I had been in a lot of pain and I was thinking I was going to lose the baby. Since Collin county didn’t want to be liable if I lost the baby they let me out around my birthday and I wasn’t going to TYC after all. I was so excited but scared at the same time because I am going out into the world and I am pregnant. I went into a Christian maternity home in Plano to get away and focus on myself and my pregnancy. I was getting close to my due date and I still didn’t have a plan. I looked into adoption or keeping the baby so many times but still nothing set in stone. I finally talked to my mom and told her that I was keeping the baby. She was excited but a little nervous for me because I couldn’t even take care of myself. I ending up giving birth to a beautiful baby girl. I moved out to Las Colinas and raised her all by myself. It was always just me and her and I loved it and everything was perfect.
I started dating someone from Wylie that I had knew since I was 14. Then 18 months later I ended up pregnant again and had another child. Then 6 months after having her, he and I got married. We were one little family and very happy. We bought a house in our home town, everything was perfect. It seemed that we would do good for a little bit then it would get bad. The stress of kids, bills and every day life was overwhelming. Toward the end of our marriage all we did was yell at each other and argue. I started to be unfaithful to him with someone at my job. I was trying to seek attention that I wasn’t getting from my husband. I would sneak out to see him and lie to my husband. Then I ended up pregnant by the guy I was having an affair with. When I found out I collapse with grief and so much hate against myself. I confessed to my husband and I also made the decision to end my pregnancy with an abortion to stay with my husband and my family. After I went through the abortion I tried to repair my marriage but it was beyond repairing. At the time I had lost everything with the abortion and the adultery. I Knew God was very angry with me and so was everyone else. At that time I turned away from God and everyone else in my life. I made the decision to move out and get my own place with my little girls. I then turned to prescription drugs and drinking. I would drink a bottle of wine and use prescription pills on a daily bases. the memories of my abortions haunted me and I wanted the pain to go away.
My husband and I separated for awhile and I met someone else during that time. I ended up pregnant again with someone else child that wasn’t my husbands. I moved me and my two little girls to Arlington and we got a divorce. I was so in love and happy with this other person and I wanted to start a new life. I wanted to keep the baby and we even picked out names for our baby. I thought everything was good at the time but I started catching him in lies and found out he was seeing other girls. I was going back and forth on what I wanted. I fully didn’t trust him and didn’t know what I wanted as a future but I thought I was in love and that is all that mattered. I wanted to do it right this time and we both decided to make it work and try to have a family.
I was almost 3 months pregnant and got scared since he was in the military that I would be this girl stuck here with 3 kids to raise by myself if he got shipped off. My selfish thoughts always raced my mine. How I wasn't capable of raising 3 children. I felt alone and started getting depressed. It was just me I felt in my chaotic mess of a world I lived in. The thought of someone lying to you and being unfaithful. Me counting on only myself to take care of 3 children. If I was in love with someone I barely even knew. We both decided that it would be for the best for us if we didn’t go through with the pregnancy. I had another abortion. The toughest thing I had to go through because we picked out baby names and heard my babies heart beat. Till this day I can hear it and see the pictures in the back of my mind. The last abortion I had was the most traumatic thing I had ever gone through. You walk into this room at Planned Parenthood and so many girls in there for the same thing. They don’t counsel you or talk to you about it. It’s like they are numb to the whole subject and don’t try to talk you out of it because to me they want to get paid. I felt so alone and all I wanted to do is run out of there but I thought this was the only decision I had at the time. I kept telling myself or satin was telling me that I am not ready for 3 kids and I am not strong enough. What if he gets shipped off somewhere and I am stuck here alone for months? I had so many thoughts running in my mind but too afraid to talk to anyone. I remember them opening the door and calling my name. I walked in the back and lady that did the sono didn’t even let me look at my baby or hear the heart beat. I said to myself, if I did hear my baby or see it would I have changed my mind? Next was the procedure. I walked back to a cold surgical room. They laid me down on this cold table. They put the drugs inside my arm so I wouldn’t feel anything. Doctor didn’t even make eye contact with me or talk to me. He was just carrying on a conversation with the nurses like this was nothing. I don’t even think he knew my name. Just another patient and number to him. When they started the procedure I could feel everything. I remember thinking to myself something is not right and I just remember screaming telling them to stop and I could feel it. The nurses told me to be quiet because people could hear me scream. I was screaming for them to stop! Shouting and screaming on the top of my lungs. They said it was too late and if I kept moving the procedure could kill me. I just remember feeling everything and screaming and crying begging them to stop but it was too late. After it was done they walked out with my baby and told me to control myself and not to cry. I went into the recovery room right after. I laid there and all I could do was cry and they told me to stop that I would scare the other patients. I felt like a murderer and that is what I was. I asked God how could you ever love me? How could you? I killed a gift you had given me. After that I became numb and wasn’t the same person anymore. Anytime I would have a drink it would turn into 3 or 4 then the whole bottle. I would become angry and violent with my boyfriend. I was keeping so much inside because of the abortion. I finally just lost it and then I lost him. My last abortion in 2009 was the rock bottom of me. The bottom of all bottoms… I went through a angry depression. Stopped praying and stop talking to God. I pushed everyone that was close to me far away. For people who think abortion is an easy fix, it is not. It will haunt you for the rest of your life. I will forever be changed and I will always have those vivid memories of my abortions. Till this day I struggle with the screams and haunting images. At that point I didn’t forgive myself for what I had done. Everything was fallen down all around me and I knew I had to be strong for my two girls and pick up self back up. If not for me for them.
I moved back to Wylie and tried to get my life back on track. I had become really close to my best friend in 2010. I can tell him anything and everything and he didn't judge me once. Before we got together he always helped me through my problems and was always there for me. He would give me advice and cared about me. I knew how bad I pushed everyone away. He would send me bible verses and really showed me that even though I created such detruction in my life that I had so much to be thankful for. We started hanging out a lot and I started getting feelings for him that I couldn’t describe. I confined in him and he knew everything that I was going through. I had never met anyone like him. He didn’t judge me or tell me to kick rocks for the horrible things I had done in my past. He accepted me and wanted to get to know the real person who I was behind all of this. He brought out someone that I had never known. I saw how much love he had for GOD and how humble he is. What he had I wanted so bad. He was teaching me about life and how little my issues were and how big Gods love is. I then started getting close to God and praying. He was a God send and a answer to my prayers. He pulled me from the dark place that I was in for so long. He was so good with my girls and that is what I was looking for in a man. We both were falling in love with each other. In our past we both came from people who broke our hearts and were both looking for the same thing. I was ready to settle down and a family. My life was finally making since and I didn’t want to go down the wrong path again. I found out I was pregnant shortly after we were dating and we had a beautiful healthy baby boy. After I had him, I suffered from a little post partum depression. I would catch myself crying for no reason. I had to be put on mood stabalizers medications for my mood changes after my pregnancy with him. I would drink while I was on my medicine and end up in the hospital. I’m not sure what was going on with me at the time.. Maybe I had tucked everything so deep at the time that when I started drinking I stared having flash backs of my past. My last visit to the hospital I had an alcohol level of .20 that is past the legal limit. I became so violent the nurses had to restrain me. My heart beat wouldn’t go back down and went over 150 which they couldnt stable it and they almost admitted me in the hospital. I had flash backs of my past and all this anger flooded my head. All this because of taking anti depressants and drinking. Which I suggest never doing that by the way, it isn’t a pretty look. That was a big wake up call for me. I saw what it had done to the love of my life. I told myself that I didn’t want to go back down this path again. I told myself that I am better then this, I have a family at home and a man who loves me. He would do anything for me.
A year later...
So much has happened since I last wrote this blog. I took a few steps back in some old ways. The stress of having children, bills, daily responsiblites and my relationship with my fiancee was very hard for me. My relationship was good at times and it's rocky moments. I was going through so much in my life and keeping it inside and felt like he didn't understand why I was hurting so much. The lack of compassion and feeding my emotional and physical needs led me to wonder and make a few mastakes I wish I hadn't. I thought I had everything under control and people who know me, know I am a very stubborn women. I felt back in my depression and started building walls. I hid my pain so well and felt like I would wear so many different mask to cover the pain I was suffering. I also covered it with drinking. I would drink my hurt and tears away from the hurt and mastakes I have caused the people I hurt in my self destructed path. I would even attend Sunday service during workship i would close my eyes and feel tears stream down my face. All I could do was be angry with myself because I knew what I had to do to get on the path I needed to be on. I have been strong I have felt darkness. I felt stuck between the the taste of sin and touch of Gods sweet love like they were fighting over me and I just stood there. I felt I was in this church and all I wanted to do was drop to my knees and scream and cry. I wanted GOD to hear me and all I wanted was to hear him say it's going to be okay and hold me like a father or mother holds their child when they are hurt. I just stood there like a lost soul cause that is what I was at that time... lost.
I remember one Sunday service our pastor said something that made so much sense. ' Hurt people, hurt people". When I am hurt, I hurt people closes to me. I was fighting demons and they were winning. I know during this short period that I was having diffucilty in my life he was just waiting for me get on my knees and ask for his love and forgivness and to be number one in my life. I know he was knocking on my door just waiting. That's what he does, he has never left my side.. I've just left his. I felt like I was living a double life. Pushing people away and saying things that were lies. I was lying to myself and to the man I loved.All I wanted to do was start all over and erase the mastakes I had made in the past 6 months. I was very detructive and trying to fill this void that I couldn't understand why I needed to be filled by others. I let people in and they would take a little bit of me every time. I became weak.. Every time I would be in the shower or alone in my room I would cry with guilt and shame on who I was becoming. I was becoming selfish because I wanted more when I had everything I ever needed. A man who loves me, 3 beautiful healthy children, job and a home. Why would I need more? I had a feeling from time to time that something was going to happened because I was out of control.
That day that changed everything..
All I remember was seeing a bright light than it all went dark. It felt I had been sleeping for weeks. I don't remember the first 24 hours after my car accident. That night I could hear peoples voices but my eyes are closed. I was so scared on what my body looked like or what condition I was. I wanted to open my eyes and see my family but I couldn't. I ended up waking up in the ICU with tubes down my throat, machines all around me. I don't even remember how I got there or what happened. I kept asking for my family and a paster. I really thought I was going to die and I needed someone to pray with me. I couldn't breathe and they discovered a couple of days being in the ICU that I had a hole in my left long and fluid also air around my heart. I really thought this was my time because GOD has given me so many chances. I remember closing my eyes and asking him to take me as I struggled to breathe and compose myself. I am done hurting people and ruining lives. I could feel tears running down my fast.. I saw this long black tunnel and at the end was bright I started walking towards it but stopped. I was so afraid to leave, I said I didn't say good bye to my children or the ones that I love. I woke up and tried so hard to stay alive and fight for my life. After two procedures and thinking they would have to take me to surgery to repair my left lung they were trying to get it under control. When you almost lose your life and the people you love, it gives you a whole new perspective on life. You start cherishing everything around you so much diffrent. Love like you have never loved before, be gentle with your words to everyone you meet. I have showed Shane and the kids more of my attention. I have the child like love towards GOD and I thirst for more. I am taking baby steps on putting all the peices back together. Working on being a better mother, wife and friend. I don't want to say GOD wants his children to hurt or put them through terrible things.. I can say that we have a choice in our lives on what direction to go. We are in charge of that not God. I was given a second chance in life. I'm going to take every breathe like it's my last. Every day is a new day to make the best of it. For me it's a beautiful reminder that life is too short to take anything for granted.
I still struggle day to day with the past issues I have endured in my life. The nightmares are always there. I wake up in night sweats and catching my breathe of the fear of losing myself again. I take every day as a new chance and cherish every second of it. I have a good relationship with my father now and am trying to rebuild a relationship with my mother also. I still have along way to go but with God in my life he keeps me strong and provides that journey for me. I promised myself awhile back that I would break this vicious cycle that has been created in my family. That I would never be the person I had become in the past. That I would show my children and my husband the love and dedication they deserve. I have conquered all my fears. It’s our choice to decide what our future will hold. I have been drug free for 12 years. I have forgiven my molester for taking part of me that I will never get back. I have also forgiven myself for the abortions and adultery and all the stupid descions that I have made in my past. We weren't made on this earth to be perfect because no one is. I am nowhere near perfect or try to be. I am going to disappoint people and myself at times and I have accepted that. I struggle with a deep dark past but I don't let that consume me or define who I am as a person. We get so caught up in this world of trying to be perfect and someone else. When you step back and accept the person you are, trust me it gets easier. Since I was 13 I tried to cover up my depression with anger with sex, drugs and alcohol. Now I have foudn a new comfort in my children, reading, running, working out and helping others. I have so much to accomplish and I truly am a firm believer that God isn't done with me yet.
If you knwo anyone who is going through depression or the same sitiuation as me please contact me. My story is here to help others and to let them know they aren't alone. If it's someone who has had abortions, addictions, adultry, drug abuse, physical abuse or verbal you aren't alone. Talking to other people that have gone through helps, trust me and everything stays between you and I.
Till next time, God Bless.
Tiffany Oliva- McLain
Kept a record
Of sins…
Who could stand?
But with you
There is
Forgiveness…”
Psalm 130:3,4
I will touch on subjects that I have never talked about and are very sensitive to me. This is my journey of healing and recovery. After all these years, God has finally told me it’s time to tell my story. Till this day I have still faced many challenges in my life. My life is way beyond perfect in any way but with the challenges I have faced in my life, I am on the right path on becoming who I have wanted to be all along. It is our job to share our testimony and what God has done in our life to anyone or everyone who wants to hear. If he can pick me up and save my life, he can do that for you too. I am a firm believer that God gives us challenges in life. He also sees who is strong enough to get through and successed. This is a story of a girl who hit rock bottom with drug addiction, abortion, lies, adultery and abuse. This is my story….
When I was a little girl I never knew of love and love never knew of me. I have little memories as a child but the ones I do replay in my mind over and over. I didn’t have a child hood like most kids. My dad was very abusive and my mother didn’t show me much affection or love growing up. My brother and I were put in foster care when I was around 8 years old for what reason I do not know. I thought my mother and father didn’t love me. I thought no one did. I remember the first day I arrived at the foster home. I was put in a room and the door closed behind me. I looked around and just cried wondering what I did wrong and where all the people I loved went. I stayed there for a little while then went back to be with my mom.
I went through many battles as a little girl growing up. The person closest to me was my brother Micah. We did everything together. He was more like a big brother to me. He lived with my father growing up. I would go over to my fathers house to see my little brother and spend time with the both of them. The abuse my brother endured continued to get worse and he was becoming very violent. Soon after he began running the streets. He ended up in the justice system when he was around 13 or 14 and still is till this day. He is now in prison serving 9 years for criminal charges. I write to him as much as I can. He is living each day struggling while in prison. I pray for him each day that he can forgive those who hurt him and build a relationship with God and turn his life around. He will always be my little brother and a big part of my life.
When I was 13 years old someone close to me sexual abused me and tried to rape me. I remember that day like it was yesterday. That day changed my life forever and took my innocence that I had as a little girl. I was screaming and telling him to stop. He begged me not to tell and if I did he would kill everyone in my family. I remember him pinning me on the bed with his hand over my mouth. My eyes were closed. My clothes stripped from my body and hands behind my back. I prayed like I have never prayed before that day. I asked God to save me and to help me. I remember someone whispering in my ear telling me “Run Tiffany.. Run!” I threw him off of me and ran as fast as I could. He never was prosecuted for molesting me and attempted rape. After this had happened, I didn’t have any communication with my my other side of the family. I felt so angry because even though this horrible thing happened to me, I felt like I was the one being punished.
As my life started to spiral out of control. I started hanging out with the wrong crowd. I would hand out with whoever would accept me. I was very promiscuous and always drinking, lying and smoking. I tried to commit suicide at the age of 13 and was put into a rehab for depression and being sucidal. With the images of me almost being rapped and losing contact with my family, I really thought it was the end of me. I felt that I had no one in my life. I couldn’t even talk to my mother because it seemed to me that it happened but we acted like it didn’t happened. I got released from rehab and put everything behind me and acted like it didn't happen. My mother and I still fought and didn’t have a good relationship. I lost my virginity when I was 13 years old. I was in Junior high and I thought it was the cool thing to do. People from my school started finding out about it. I lost a lot of friends and got bullied. I tried to seek safety in other people. For me sex was a gate way drug.
When I got into High school I was starting to get out of control. I started drinking all the time and getting into fights at school. My mom thought it would be best for me to go to another school and to start fresh. We then moved to Plano and it started off well. I was at a new school and no one knew my past or what I had done back in my home town. I was so excited to be the new girl in school. I kept my past life a secret. I was making alot of new friends and eventually met my new boyfriend. I started having sex and doing drugs because that is what all “ the cool kids” were doing. I wanted to fit in with the “IN” crowd but it came with a price. I started drinking again and smoked weed and did cocaine for the first time my sophomore year. I was running away from home and lying to my mother just so I could use drugs. She finally discovered I was using and put me in another rehab for 90 days. I went to rehab again and did good for a little bit then got back into it again. I was becoming violent and abusive to my mom and hit her. I was put in juvenile detention center when I was 15 or 16 years old. She then decided to move me from Plano to a smaller town named Celina and it was in the middle of nowhere. She thought that would help me. I did good again at the beginning but got involved with the wrong crowd again. I was hanging out with the popular kids (football team & cheerleaders). I starting using again and drinking and my grades continued to slip. I remember one night coming home from a party and I was so drunk and got into a big fight with my mother. I had already been on probation before and I also served a couple of nights in juvenile detention center when I lived in Wylie for running away. One more mistake and I was going to end up in Juvenile detention center for a while they said. I was arrested for assaulting my mom but was released back to her shortly after. My mom picked me up from school the next day and told me I needed to go see my probation officer. They arrested me and booked me in Collin county for violating my probation. I went to court on my charges for assault against my mother and violating my probation for a dirty UI. Basically I tested positive for drugs. The judge sentenced me to 6 months in Vernon state hospital. I only completed 3 months and was discharge for not cooperating and doing my treatment. After that I was sent back to Collin county detention. I was so lost and thought I had hit rock bottom. As I waited for court, I tried to commit suicide again. I waited 3 months to see the judge and they sentenced me to 6 months to long term in the juvenile correction center. After I completed the 6 month program, I went back to live with my mother who resided in Wylie. I wanted to do good and make her proud. I was tired of letting her down. I did good for a month and struggled because I was so far behind in high school. I was bullied in high school and again grades were slipping. I couldn’t erase my past and what I had done. My class mates knew about me even though I stayed to myself and tried to change. No matter how hard I tried to prove myself they would always see me as the girl who had sex with boys at school and was very wild and not like them. I finally gave up and ran away for 6 to 8 months. My mother didn’t know where I was and I didn’t stay in touch with my family. I got involved with meth and would just stay with whoever I could stay with. I was way over my head and lost touch of reality. Meth, sex and weed became my new life. It took all my pain away. But when reality set in, I was so alone and scared. I was up for 5 days no food and strung out on drugs. I dropped to my knees and prayed and told God if you want me to change than the only way would be if you put something or someone in my life. I was so tired of living the life I was living. I was finally at a point in my life were I was tired of running. I found where my mom was staying. I called my mom and told her I wanted to come home and she said to come home. The next thing I know an under cover cop was waiting for me at my home. My mother told them I was coming and they picked me up and took me to back to juvenile detention again. You probably don’t know how the juvenile system works but its basically probation, rehab and long term treatment. When they picked me up they tested me for pregnancy and till this day I remember sitting there and the doctor says well everything came back fine but you are pregnant. My only words where “Your joking, right?” He said your pregnant! I told him there is no way then he said yes you are Tiffany. That second I knew my life would forever be changed. I sat there in my cell wondering what the heck have I done? What am I going to do? How am I going to tell my parents? I am only 17 years old and I am not ready to be a mom. I was so scared. I started having complications while I was in detention center. I could see people getting worried. I didn’t have the proper medical care and I was also stressed out. Three months went by and I had a meeting with my probation officer. She told me the next step for me was TYC (Texas Youth Commission) and I just cried and begged her not to send me there. She said since my 18 birthday is coming next month that I got lucky and that I was pregnant I would probably be released. I had been in a lot of pain and I was thinking I was going to lose the baby. Since Collin county didn’t want to be liable if I lost the baby they let me out around my birthday and I wasn’t going to TYC after all. I was so excited but scared at the same time because I am going out into the world and I am pregnant. I went into a Christian maternity home in Plano to get away and focus on myself and my pregnancy. I was getting close to my due date and I still didn’t have a plan. I looked into adoption or keeping the baby so many times but still nothing set in stone. I finally talked to my mom and told her that I was keeping the baby. She was excited but a little nervous for me because I couldn’t even take care of myself. I ending up giving birth to a beautiful baby girl. I moved out to Las Colinas and raised her all by myself. It was always just me and her and I loved it and everything was perfect.
I started dating someone from Wylie that I had knew since I was 14. Then 18 months later I ended up pregnant again and had another child. Then 6 months after having her, he and I got married. We were one little family and very happy. We bought a house in our home town, everything was perfect. It seemed that we would do good for a little bit then it would get bad. The stress of kids, bills and every day life was overwhelming. Toward the end of our marriage all we did was yell at each other and argue. I started to be unfaithful to him with someone at my job. I was trying to seek attention that I wasn’t getting from my husband. I would sneak out to see him and lie to my husband. Then I ended up pregnant by the guy I was having an affair with. When I found out I collapse with grief and so much hate against myself. I confessed to my husband and I also made the decision to end my pregnancy with an abortion to stay with my husband and my family. After I went through the abortion I tried to repair my marriage but it was beyond repairing. At the time I had lost everything with the abortion and the adultery. I Knew God was very angry with me and so was everyone else. At that time I turned away from God and everyone else in my life. I made the decision to move out and get my own place with my little girls. I then turned to prescription drugs and drinking. I would drink a bottle of wine and use prescription pills on a daily bases. the memories of my abortions haunted me and I wanted the pain to go away.
My husband and I separated for awhile and I met someone else during that time. I ended up pregnant again with someone else child that wasn’t my husbands. I moved me and my two little girls to Arlington and we got a divorce. I was so in love and happy with this other person and I wanted to start a new life. I wanted to keep the baby and we even picked out names for our baby. I thought everything was good at the time but I started catching him in lies and found out he was seeing other girls. I was going back and forth on what I wanted. I fully didn’t trust him and didn’t know what I wanted as a future but I thought I was in love and that is all that mattered. I wanted to do it right this time and we both decided to make it work and try to have a family.
I was almost 3 months pregnant and got scared since he was in the military that I would be this girl stuck here with 3 kids to raise by myself if he got shipped off. My selfish thoughts always raced my mine. How I wasn't capable of raising 3 children. I felt alone and started getting depressed. It was just me I felt in my chaotic mess of a world I lived in. The thought of someone lying to you and being unfaithful. Me counting on only myself to take care of 3 children. If I was in love with someone I barely even knew. We both decided that it would be for the best for us if we didn’t go through with the pregnancy. I had another abortion. The toughest thing I had to go through because we picked out baby names and heard my babies heart beat. Till this day I can hear it and see the pictures in the back of my mind. The last abortion I had was the most traumatic thing I had ever gone through. You walk into this room at Planned Parenthood and so many girls in there for the same thing. They don’t counsel you or talk to you about it. It’s like they are numb to the whole subject and don’t try to talk you out of it because to me they want to get paid. I felt so alone and all I wanted to do is run out of there but I thought this was the only decision I had at the time. I kept telling myself or satin was telling me that I am not ready for 3 kids and I am not strong enough. What if he gets shipped off somewhere and I am stuck here alone for months? I had so many thoughts running in my mind but too afraid to talk to anyone. I remember them opening the door and calling my name. I walked in the back and lady that did the sono didn’t even let me look at my baby or hear the heart beat. I said to myself, if I did hear my baby or see it would I have changed my mind? Next was the procedure. I walked back to a cold surgical room. They laid me down on this cold table. They put the drugs inside my arm so I wouldn’t feel anything. Doctor didn’t even make eye contact with me or talk to me. He was just carrying on a conversation with the nurses like this was nothing. I don’t even think he knew my name. Just another patient and number to him. When they started the procedure I could feel everything. I remember thinking to myself something is not right and I just remember screaming telling them to stop and I could feel it. The nurses told me to be quiet because people could hear me scream. I was screaming for them to stop! Shouting and screaming on the top of my lungs. They said it was too late and if I kept moving the procedure could kill me. I just remember feeling everything and screaming and crying begging them to stop but it was too late. After it was done they walked out with my baby and told me to control myself and not to cry. I went into the recovery room right after. I laid there and all I could do was cry and they told me to stop that I would scare the other patients. I felt like a murderer and that is what I was. I asked God how could you ever love me? How could you? I killed a gift you had given me. After that I became numb and wasn’t the same person anymore. Anytime I would have a drink it would turn into 3 or 4 then the whole bottle. I would become angry and violent with my boyfriend. I was keeping so much inside because of the abortion. I finally just lost it and then I lost him. My last abortion in 2009 was the rock bottom of me. The bottom of all bottoms… I went through a angry depression. Stopped praying and stop talking to God. I pushed everyone that was close to me far away. For people who think abortion is an easy fix, it is not. It will haunt you for the rest of your life. I will forever be changed and I will always have those vivid memories of my abortions. Till this day I struggle with the screams and haunting images. At that point I didn’t forgive myself for what I had done. Everything was fallen down all around me and I knew I had to be strong for my two girls and pick up self back up. If not for me for them.
I moved back to Wylie and tried to get my life back on track. I had become really close to my best friend in 2010. I can tell him anything and everything and he didn't judge me once. Before we got together he always helped me through my problems and was always there for me. He would give me advice and cared about me. I knew how bad I pushed everyone away. He would send me bible verses and really showed me that even though I created such detruction in my life that I had so much to be thankful for. We started hanging out a lot and I started getting feelings for him that I couldn’t describe. I confined in him and he knew everything that I was going through. I had never met anyone like him. He didn’t judge me or tell me to kick rocks for the horrible things I had done in my past. He accepted me and wanted to get to know the real person who I was behind all of this. He brought out someone that I had never known. I saw how much love he had for GOD and how humble he is. What he had I wanted so bad. He was teaching me about life and how little my issues were and how big Gods love is. I then started getting close to God and praying. He was a God send and a answer to my prayers. He pulled me from the dark place that I was in for so long. He was so good with my girls and that is what I was looking for in a man. We both were falling in love with each other. In our past we both came from people who broke our hearts and were both looking for the same thing. I was ready to settle down and a family. My life was finally making since and I didn’t want to go down the wrong path again. I found out I was pregnant shortly after we were dating and we had a beautiful healthy baby boy. After I had him, I suffered from a little post partum depression. I would catch myself crying for no reason. I had to be put on mood stabalizers medications for my mood changes after my pregnancy with him. I would drink while I was on my medicine and end up in the hospital. I’m not sure what was going on with me at the time.. Maybe I had tucked everything so deep at the time that when I started drinking I stared having flash backs of my past. My last visit to the hospital I had an alcohol level of .20 that is past the legal limit. I became so violent the nurses had to restrain me. My heart beat wouldn’t go back down and went over 150 which they couldnt stable it and they almost admitted me in the hospital. I had flash backs of my past and all this anger flooded my head. All this because of taking anti depressants and drinking. Which I suggest never doing that by the way, it isn’t a pretty look. That was a big wake up call for me. I saw what it had done to the love of my life. I told myself that I didn’t want to go back down this path again. I told myself that I am better then this, I have a family at home and a man who loves me. He would do anything for me.
A year later...
So much has happened since I last wrote this blog. I took a few steps back in some old ways. The stress of having children, bills, daily responsiblites and my relationship with my fiancee was very hard for me. My relationship was good at times and it's rocky moments. I was going through so much in my life and keeping it inside and felt like he didn't understand why I was hurting so much. The lack of compassion and feeding my emotional and physical needs led me to wonder and make a few mastakes I wish I hadn't. I thought I had everything under control and people who know me, know I am a very stubborn women. I felt back in my depression and started building walls. I hid my pain so well and felt like I would wear so many different mask to cover the pain I was suffering. I also covered it with drinking. I would drink my hurt and tears away from the hurt and mastakes I have caused the people I hurt in my self destructed path. I would even attend Sunday service during workship i would close my eyes and feel tears stream down my face. All I could do was be angry with myself because I knew what I had to do to get on the path I needed to be on. I have been strong I have felt darkness. I felt stuck between the the taste of sin and touch of Gods sweet love like they were fighting over me and I just stood there. I felt I was in this church and all I wanted to do was drop to my knees and scream and cry. I wanted GOD to hear me and all I wanted was to hear him say it's going to be okay and hold me like a father or mother holds their child when they are hurt. I just stood there like a lost soul cause that is what I was at that time... lost.
I remember one Sunday service our pastor said something that made so much sense. ' Hurt people, hurt people". When I am hurt, I hurt people closes to me. I was fighting demons and they were winning. I know during this short period that I was having diffucilty in my life he was just waiting for me get on my knees and ask for his love and forgivness and to be number one in my life. I know he was knocking on my door just waiting. That's what he does, he has never left my side.. I've just left his. I felt like I was living a double life. Pushing people away and saying things that were lies. I was lying to myself and to the man I loved.All I wanted to do was start all over and erase the mastakes I had made in the past 6 months. I was very detructive and trying to fill this void that I couldn't understand why I needed to be filled by others. I let people in and they would take a little bit of me every time. I became weak.. Every time I would be in the shower or alone in my room I would cry with guilt and shame on who I was becoming. I was becoming selfish because I wanted more when I had everything I ever needed. A man who loves me, 3 beautiful healthy children, job and a home. Why would I need more? I had a feeling from time to time that something was going to happened because I was out of control.
That day that changed everything..
All I remember was seeing a bright light than it all went dark. It felt I had been sleeping for weeks. I don't remember the first 24 hours after my car accident. That night I could hear peoples voices but my eyes are closed. I was so scared on what my body looked like or what condition I was. I wanted to open my eyes and see my family but I couldn't. I ended up waking up in the ICU with tubes down my throat, machines all around me. I don't even remember how I got there or what happened. I kept asking for my family and a paster. I really thought I was going to die and I needed someone to pray with me. I couldn't breathe and they discovered a couple of days being in the ICU that I had a hole in my left long and fluid also air around my heart. I really thought this was my time because GOD has given me so many chances. I remember closing my eyes and asking him to take me as I struggled to breathe and compose myself. I am done hurting people and ruining lives. I could feel tears running down my fast.. I saw this long black tunnel and at the end was bright I started walking towards it but stopped. I was so afraid to leave, I said I didn't say good bye to my children or the ones that I love. I woke up and tried so hard to stay alive and fight for my life. After two procedures and thinking they would have to take me to surgery to repair my left lung they were trying to get it under control. When you almost lose your life and the people you love, it gives you a whole new perspective on life. You start cherishing everything around you so much diffrent. Love like you have never loved before, be gentle with your words to everyone you meet. I have showed Shane and the kids more of my attention. I have the child like love towards GOD and I thirst for more. I am taking baby steps on putting all the peices back together. Working on being a better mother, wife and friend. I don't want to say GOD wants his children to hurt or put them through terrible things.. I can say that we have a choice in our lives on what direction to go. We are in charge of that not God. I was given a second chance in life. I'm going to take every breathe like it's my last. Every day is a new day to make the best of it. For me it's a beautiful reminder that life is too short to take anything for granted.
I still struggle day to day with the past issues I have endured in my life. The nightmares are always there. I wake up in night sweats and catching my breathe of the fear of losing myself again. I take every day as a new chance and cherish every second of it. I have a good relationship with my father now and am trying to rebuild a relationship with my mother also. I still have along way to go but with God in my life he keeps me strong and provides that journey for me. I promised myself awhile back that I would break this vicious cycle that has been created in my family. That I would never be the person I had become in the past. That I would show my children and my husband the love and dedication they deserve. I have conquered all my fears. It’s our choice to decide what our future will hold. I have been drug free for 12 years. I have forgiven my molester for taking part of me that I will never get back. I have also forgiven myself for the abortions and adultery and all the stupid descions that I have made in my past. We weren't made on this earth to be perfect because no one is. I am nowhere near perfect or try to be. I am going to disappoint people and myself at times and I have accepted that. I struggle with a deep dark past but I don't let that consume me or define who I am as a person. We get so caught up in this world of trying to be perfect and someone else. When you step back and accept the person you are, trust me it gets easier. Since I was 13 I tried to cover up my depression with anger with sex, drugs and alcohol. Now I have foudn a new comfort in my children, reading, running, working out and helping others. I have so much to accomplish and I truly am a firm believer that God isn't done with me yet.
If you knwo anyone who is going through depression or the same sitiuation as me please contact me. My story is here to help others and to let them know they aren't alone. If it's someone who has had abortions, addictions, adultry, drug abuse, physical abuse or verbal you aren't alone. Talking to other people that have gone through helps, trust me and everything stays between you and I.
Till next time, God Bless.
Tiffany Oliva- McLain